Grief, The Ugly Friend

There are so many emotions attached to grief. They aren’t felt everyday. It’s a journey.

Grief makes you a liar. Always answering with an “I’m good” smile when you’re far from it.

Grief is a single tear you didn’t know you’ve shed.

Grief is a pack of nabs in Walmart that brings you to your knees with sobs.
Grief is a puppeteer and you are the puppet, always at the mercy of its next move.

Grief is a replay button. You replay the hysteria of that call, everyday. You replay the dread of making that call you know will bring the same pain to someone you love. It’s a replay of sounds, of smells, of things you can’t unsee.

Grief is jealousy. You become jealous of what or who you don’t have.

Grief is a thief. It watches you enjoying a moment. Then it sneaks in and steals your joy and bombards you with a sadness that can knock you off your feet.

Grief is a smile that’s robbed you of your smile, the one that reaches your eyes and is spread across your face. This smile stops flat. There is no joy in it.

Grief let’s you remember the good, but will slam you with the bad at the same moment so you’re so confused as to which to remember.

Then grief becomes anger, because all you want is the good, not the bad.

Grief is like breaking your great-grandmothers antique vase and frantically trying to glue all the pieces back together, but you always come up short a piece.

Grief is like the elephant in the room. No matter how many times or where you move it, it’s still there, looming over you.

Grief can be so debilitating. It can make you physically not want to move. People who’ve never experienced deep seeded grief only see you as weak or uninterested, aloof. They don’t realize the effort it takes to put one foot in front of the other, to complete everyday menial tasks.

Grief doesn’t care how long it’s been. Grief doesn’t care that others think you should just get over it already, after all, it’s been awhile. There is no time limit to grief. There is no magic number that suddenly excuses you from its presence. Each persons blanket of grief is custom tailored to be just the right size and weight for that person.

You don’t want people to talk about your grief, to look at it as a plague that brings pity. But you don’t want them to forget it either, to act like it doesn’t exist. It’s a twisted tail.

Grief is the friend you have, but really don’t want. That friend becomes a little more manageable with each passing day, but they’re still really annoying and you want to shake ’em off but you can’t.

Grief is a liar. Grief will tell you that you can’t be happy, you can’t laugh, you can’t smile. Grief lies to you and tells you to be stuck in that moment forever.

Grief is a side dish of sadness. You will laugh and be happy, but the sadness will always be there lurking in the shadows.

Glory to the highest, I know the old order of things shall pass away and grief will not exist.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

For me, I find great comfort in the Word, in constant prayer and leaning on the arms of the Everlasting. For every solitary sob session in the shower, He is there. For every unrational outburst, He is there. For every silent struggle, He is there. For every fake smile that later results in despair, He is there. He is always there. The Lord is omniscient and omnipresent. He is holding you most when you feel as though your falling into an abyss of total darkness.

I also find love and comfort in my husband. God holds every tear I’ve cried, my husband has wiped them all away. He lets me be in my sadness, but not too far in that it’s hard to come out. He gives forehead kisses and hugs. He tries so hard to understand. He lets me be angry, but tells me when it’s too much. Most of all, he loves me even when it’s all too much.

I’m blessed with family I know I can call on and they will love me through it. They will hold my hand through the dark waters. They help to remind me of greater things. There are friends that have helped me carry this unrelenting grief. Ones who have listened to endless rants and why’s and how’s.

Find your people. Not the ones who rush you. Not the ones who can’t understand you. The ones who let you be. The ones who will walk with you. The ones who will let you rant and rave and scream and cry.

Most importantly, seek His face.

“Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.” 1 Chronicles 16:11

God has not forsaken me. I know this to be true in the depths of my soul.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18

We will suffer. We will have pain in this life. Praise God that this isn’t our home. His glory will be revealed for our good. One day, all the tears, all the questions, all the pain, will make sense. It will be good.

Today my Dad has been gone for 2 years. Some days it seems like so much more time has passed. Some days it seems like yesterday. Other days, it doesn’t seem like it happened at all. Sometimes it’s worse when things aren’t neat and tidy as they should be. Say what needs to be said, my friends. Say it even if you know you won’t get the same in return.

In these past two years, my husband and I have endured so much grief and pain, unbeknown to most. We have suffered silently. We are suffering patiently. We leave the cloak of our sadness in the corner as to not make those around us uncomfortable. This is another post entirely for another day.

Our precious little town has experienced so much grief and pain. Just yesterday a family laid their 8 year old boy to rest. His little life gone in an instant. He is one of too many children that have gone just in this year. It’s only August. Mamas and Daddys standing beside little caskets. Their grief and pain makes mine feel so insignificant in comparison. My heart turns inside out when I think of each of these families. I pray for them. My goodness do I pray to the Father for their peace. I cry for them. I love on them when I get the chance. I know of grief, not theirs, but mine. I can’t pretend to know how their blanket of grief feels, but I know what the broken heart of grief can do. I also know the Savior carries them and He carries me.

Grief is the ugly friend. But the Savior is the beautiful light that can bring you out of the darkness.

Here are just a few of my favorite verses that I find peace in. I urge you to dig into the Word and find ones that bring you comfort.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

God created everything in this world. We are the only thing He made to be in His image. We are precious in His sight. He loves us and will care for us, even when it seems He isn’t near.